I’m a worried mess a lot of days. & I didn’t even realize it until my sophomore year of college. then I slowly discovered that not everyone walks around thinking about what could go wrong, planning things months ahead, & trying to solve problems that haven’t even materialized yet. I worry in a way that goes beyond the “did I forget to turn the oven off?” variety. I worry in a way that’s sinful. the kind of worry that Jesus said is futile. & when I let my mind run wild, it cripples me, shuts down my joy, makes me second guess everything.
but when I’m intentionally fighting it, it gets better. I experience little victories. I go almost a whole day without worrying about whatever my current issue is. I get worried about something, forget what it is that I’m concerned about & then instead of worrying about forgetting an important thing that I was worried about, I consider it a blessing & l e t i t g o. but sometimes just when I think I’m doing a fabulous job of defeating it, anxiety creeps back in, worse than it did the first time. I read about Jesus giving us peace… about the freedom found in him. but many days I do not feel easy & light. & that is sometimes very hard to reconcile.
I’m often afraid to tell my friends & family what’s really in my head because I’m scared it makes me sound crazy. but really sin is probably making us all crazy in one way or another. so I’m learning to let others in to my crazy, even when it requires embarrassing levels of vulnerability. when I let the people who love me inside the parts of my mind that are troubled, the parts that believe lies… they tell me the truth. & the truth sets you free.
I have been blessed by so many truth-tellers. especially lately. the truth my friends & family speak has set me free so many times; they show me Jesus so many days. people who have prayed with me, advised me, listened to me. people who have gently spoken to me, over & over: “hey. I love you. don’t worry. it will be ok.”
when I hear those words from someone with skin on, it’s easier to hear them from up above.
“hey. I love you. don’t worry–it’s poison, it kills you, it shows you don’t trust me. I love you. don’t worry. it will be ok.”
that is truth– soul-freeing, heart-healing, eyes-lifting truth. here’s to believing. & being free.
p.s. this picture has nothing to do with this post
except that the flowers my babies give me in the bus line
are beautiful & happy & worry-free.
especially the yellow ones.