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every little thing

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I’m a worried mess a lot of days. & I didn’t even realize it until my sophomore year of college. then I slowly discovered that not everyone walks around thinking about what could go wrong, planning things months ahead, & trying to solve problems that haven’t even materialized yet. I worry in a way that goes beyond the “did I forget to turn the oven off?” variety. I worry in a way that’s sinful. the kind of worry that Jesus said is futile. & when I let my mind run wild, it cripples me, shuts down my joy, makes me second guess everything.

but when I’m intentionally fighting it, it gets better. I experience little victories. I go almost a whole day without worrying about whatever my current issue is. I get worried about something, forget what it is that I’m concerned about & then instead of worrying about forgetting an important thing that I was worried about, I consider it a blessing &  l e t  i t  g o. but sometimes just when I think I’m doing a fabulous job of defeating it, anxiety creeps back in, worse than it did the first time. I read about Jesus giving us peace… about the freedom found in him. but many days I do not feel easy & light. & that is sometimes very hard to reconcile.

I’m often afraid to tell my friends & family what’s really in my head because I’m scared it makes me sound crazy. but really sin is probably making us all crazy in one way or another. so I’m learning to let others in to my crazy, even when it requires embarrassing levels of vulnerability. when I let the people who love me inside the parts of my mind that are troubled, the parts that believe lies… they tell me the truth. & the truth sets you free.

I have been blessed by so many truth-tellers. especially lately. the truth my friends & family speak has set me free so many times; they show me Jesus so many days. people who have prayed with me, advised me, listened to me.  people who have gently spoken to me, over & over: “hey. I love you. don’t worry. it will be ok.”

when I hear those words from someone with skin on, it’s easier to hear them from up above.

“hey. I love you. don’t worry–it’s poison, it kills you, it shows you don’t trust me. I love you. don’t worry. it will be ok.”

that is truth– soul-freeing, heart-healing, eyes-lifting truth. here’s to believing. & being free.

p.s. this picture has nothing to do with this post
except that the flowers my babies give me in the bus line
are beautiful & happy & worry-free.
especially the yellow ones.

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3 responses »

  1. Ruth Ann,

    I could have written that post. I fear that those I love most will “tune me out” when I tell them the latest thing I am worried about. They’ll just think here she goes again. I want to imagine every possible scenario and work it ahead of time…..which of course is impossible. It robs me of present joy all the time. Thanks for admitting it. I don’t think I would have ever thought you struggled with that. But then come to think about it I’m pretty outgoing and sanguine, too, and people might be suprised what’s going on in my head! So excited about your wedding. You are a dear!!

    Cindy Lee
    Your mom’s friend from First Baptist days

    Reply
  2. In case I haven’t told you lately–I love you! Not to discourage you (because of my advanced age!), this has been an ongoing struggle for me too. I love watching you grow and ask brave questions and finding answers. You’re good for me, too. Random note: have you run across the Wedding Party app? There’s also Wedding Snap. If not, these are apps that allow any photos your guests take with their phones at the wedding to go to a feed that you can access. We have great hopes that Chuck, Courtney, and I will be able to come to the wedding. I can’t think of a more wonderful way to spend my anniversary this year!

    Reply
  3. I feel the same way most of the time Ruth Ann. I love you, Julia

    Reply

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