I want to be a good teacher & start a Spanish club & hang out with my sister & run half marathons & tutor & have a birthday party for everyone & write some grants & cook something new every week & plan a wedding & have all my neighbors over for dinner & hang out with David lots & be part of a great small group & keep my house really clean & go pick up things from craigslist & put coupons on my kroger card & plan really engaging lessons.
but I can’t do all those things at the same time. some things have to lose. unfortunately lots of times the things that lose are things like sleep, a clean house, & grocery shopping… which are the very things that make the other things possible.
when I can’t do everything it sometimes makes me feel like a failure. like I’m not as strong or organized or responsible as I should be. like if only I did a better job of time management I could fit everything in. & if I did a better job with time management, I could probably fit a couple more things in. but I don’t think I’ll ever be able to do it all, no matter how well I use my iPhone & planner.
so I’m trying to learn to prioritize. to learn that saying no doesn’t make me selfish or incapable or a bad person. & to give up the idea of control, the idea that things will fall apart if I don’t do everything. a lot of my frantic-ness has to do with a lack of trust, a lack of belief that god will “pick up the slack” I am leaving behind. that’s wrong. & it’s a pretty prideful way to look at life. so here’s to breathing deep, saying no, & not feeling guilty for resting. I don’t know how to do any of those things. but I want to learn.