so last friday david gave me the shiniest present in the whole world & asked me to marry him. I nodded a little & cried a lot & finally said yes. the story is over on david’s blog. this post isn’t really about the story, though.
I’ve been thinking a lot about all the happiness & joy surrounding engagement. david & I are so happy to be getting married. all of our friends who we shared the news with have been thrilled. all my third grade girls squealed & ooh’d & aaah’d on the playground. (11 little girls have asked if they can be the flower girl & one bold little 2nd grade boy asked if the best man slot was up for grabs.) brett & leslie & others threw us a very happy party. hannah made ruth ann & david cookies. it’s been a week full of lots of fun.
I struggle with doubt & worry & anxiety. but my often muddled mind is as sure that our marriage is pleasing to God as it is about anything. & I am so, so happy about it–happy that David loves me, happy that God has allowed us to be together. & as I was driving home from church last weekend, I thought, “you know, I wish I was this happy about everything I believe to be the will of God.” I believe that being a teacher is the will of God for me right now. I know that waking up a little bit earlier to pray & read & collect myself before work is something God wants for me. I think that taking my thoughts captive & fighting worry is what God would have me to do. but lots of times, I’m not as happy about those things as I am about marrying david. those things are inconvenient & painful. I fuss & resist.
so when I look at the ring on my left hand, I smile. because I am about to marry my favorite redheaded boy who plays drums & is an incredible leader & always beats me at scrabble. but it also pricks me a little bit inside, reminding me that so often my faith is weak. many times I buy into the idea that God’s will for me & the things in my life that are pleasant are one and the same. & that is just not true. in fact, it’s actually pretty preposterous in light of the story of creation & redemption.
most of my fussing & resisting is really just a manifestation of my disbelief that God is a good Father who gives good gifts to his kids, wants the best things for his kids, only requires hard things of his kids when it makes them (or our world) better. so lately I’ve been trying to imagine what my life would look like if I really believed that everything God wants for me is good. just like I believe this marriage is good. so I want to embrace early alarm clocks & long days at work just as much as I’ve embraced marriage & wedding planning. because God is a good father who loves to give good gifts. even when our faith is weak & we can’t see clearly.
p.s. this is a fabulous book on the concept of ‘god’s will.’