a couple of weeks ago I went to Kroger after a rough day at school. this was a mistake. the Kroger on i55 is stressful enough on a normal day (no parking! totally backwards from college Kroger!) but after a long day at school it feels almost insurmountable. & it had been a long day, one of those bone-tired, chewed up & spit out days. I walked in with a dazed look on my face, fumbling for my poorly made list. an employee actually asked if I was ok. that’s how bad it was, guys. I was most decidedly not ok. I had an awful attitude, I was stressed & tired & I did not want to be searching for capers (they’re by the olives, fyi). still, I went through my list methodically, fighting the urge to just sit down & cry.
I ended up in the produce, making the usual selections–spinach, avocado, carrot sticks, gala apples. wait. WHERE WERE THE GALA APPLES? certainly not on the end of the apple display where they always are, where they’re supposed to be. I continued around the display, picking through red delicious, fuji, granny smith, pink lady…. nope, no gala. not even any honeycrisp (my 2nd choice). I had had enough & I kind of felt like pitching a fit right there by the lemons. frustrated, I turned around to leave, just in time to see the sweetest old lady catch my eye & say, “dear, you don’t happen to be looking for gala apples, do you? they’re over by the bananas today. I couldn’t find them either.” I inhaled deep, smiled, & breathed out thanks.
sometimes I like to think of grace as little drops of water in a desert. because once in awhile grace comes as a waterfall, big & grand, sweeping you off your feet. but mostly it trickles down in tiny drops. just when you think you can’t walk anymore. just when you are so parched you’re about to give up.
thursday morning was not so great either. so many questions & fears & insecurities. big awful conversations with people I love. it had been a hard night & the morning after I couldn’t get out of bed. I was lying there, almost literally crippled by fear & doubt. I tried the usual things… reading my bible, listening to music. finally I just cried & cried, asking God why we have to be sin-sick, why we have to hurt, asking why can’t things just be perfect? sometimes I ask those questions & I feel like I don’t get any answers.
but then a friend came over. & crawled in the bed with me. prayed for me. held my hand. got me up. took me to lunch. it was like I could almost feel healing falling down on me. little drops of water. they might not answer our biggest questions. but they remind us that the questions are heard. that we are loved. & right now, that’s enough.
p.s. thanks to david for the photo. he has a blog now, check it out.